Every time I see a writing contest on my feed, my thoughts circle back to the fact that I have been wanting to publish a novel for years, yet I have yet to achieve that dream for a very long time. And then I begin to wonder. Have I been wasting my time? Have I been so undedicated to my dreams that I have yet to achieve the dreams I wanted to reach? I don't think that's the right way to put it. 

    I myself know how tough life has been. How I have stayed in survival mode for so long not knowing where I am headed and whether I am heading in the right direction. I have been the hardest on myself, not letting myself slack off, hating myself over my imperfections, my mistakes, my sins. And yet life moves on in favor of those who worked alongside that adversity and made time for their dreams, achieving them in the process. 

    I have so much to be done. Amidst me trying to be a novel writer, I am drawing comics, drawing merch for boothing events at anime conventions and acting as the oldest child in a home absent of my brother who lives in a different timezone. It's all so foreign to me and I have no idea how I survived this long. I believe it was Allah's will, because there's absolutely no other way to explain it. 

    Amidst all of my worries, having a crush on someone was my way of finding peace. Imagining that the person I like will pick me up and save me like a prince on a white horse. Like a knight in a shining armor. Like the sun after all the storm that I've been through. Yet, my crushes never lead anywhere because I never act upon them and as much as I believe I tried, I don't think it's enough. 

    In fact, I was never enough. Or at least, I guess that's the reason I say when things don't turn out the way I want it to be. In truth, things don't turn out well for someone because they're "enough". Sometimes, it's just how it's meant to be. It's already written in Allah's will. 

    "The pen has been lifted, and the pages have dried."

    I think what I need now is courage. The courage to move on with life, to not fear the what-ifs and the ending. To trust Allah more. To believe in him. To realize that life can go ahead and be however I imagined to be. And that I can achieve anything in life as long as Allah wills it to be. 

    And that, if something does not turn out the way I want it to be, it is a form of Allah's protection, and I have to accept it as it is. 

    One day, I hope that all of this pain and sadness means something. May all the reasons behind it reveal itself in due time. At any rate, I hope things get better soon. 

    I don't think anyone is reading this blog, but if you happen to cross upon this on accident, do you think you can extend some of your prayers for me? I promise you, I really am doing my best. 

With Love, Asfiyuki. 

    I was a little too late to be writing this bcs I genuinely could've posted this
on April Fool's so it's less serious ww not sure if that'll do the trick though. 

    Lately, I've been hating my phone notifications. They give me false hope that 
someone is trying to reach out to me when in reality no one really does. 

    They say that the world is filled with lonely people because the lonely are always 
too scared to reach out, but I feel like laughing over how much I tried.

    It's okay. I'll sleep over it and tomorrow I'll be okay again. 
I'll repeat that over and over and again until I meet my end. 

    It's raining here again today. I hate rainy days. 

"Because it brings comfort to know where you belong. 

Because it brings solace to be validated."

 "And so the traveler stays.
  Because the still darkness was more comforting than the uncertainties of the wild."

General thoughts on Vincenzo, in very short sentences because you know me and my love towards writing reviews but not having much time to do it //cry. Anyways, let's get to it-  As usual, heavy spoilers. You have been warned. 

Quick general thoughts on Talentless Nana, a show I started watching randomly out of boredom, but immediately got hooked in to. Contains heavy spoilers. 

It feels like it has been ages since I last made a blog post, and truth to be told, that seems to be actually the case! I have been focusing on doing so many things that I think will benefit me in the future, but it seems like a portion of me is forgetting the me that is living in the present. Wah- that shouldn't be the case. I wouldn't be able to live happily that way. 

Lately, I have been worrying about what my future looks like. It's a pointless thing to be worried about, but when you start to overthink, it's one of those topics that your mind tend to venture to due to its complexity. The more complex a thought is, the more the mind gets attracted to it. It's as if the mind is a foolish adventurer who goes to places they know fairly well will bring them to a point of no return. 

But when those things happen though, one of the things I like to do is to write down my thoughts. I find writing on paper to be the most therapeutic but, now that I'm spending more and more time on public transportation, I have to make do with typing them down. And as much as I fear sharing my thoughts in such a public space like the Internet, a part of me wonders how it felt when I was younger, when oversharing was nothing more than a daily routine to complete a day. 

What a beauty it is to be able to write. To be able to express one's thoughts of something as profound as the world we're living in. To think there was a time when it was not possible, to think there are still times when it's not doable, brings a kind of pain in my heart I could never describe.

As much as I would love to continue writing, it is almost time for my destination- in which I have to probably put down my phone and proceed to my journey back home. And if I ever save this post in the drafts, one should know that it probably would no longer see the light of day over the level of procrastination I hold in my day-to-day life. And so, I mark this sentence as the end of my drabble for today, and wishing it will somehow hold a value to myself when time passes me by. 

Until then. Until we meet again. 

Credits : Photo by Benjamin Davies on Unsplash