Every time I see a writing contest on my feed, my thoughts circle back to the fact that I have been wanting to publish a novel for years, yet I have yet to achieve that dream for a very long time. And then I begin to wonder. Have I been wasting my time? Have I been so undedicated to my dreams that I have yet to achieve the dreams I wanted to reach? I don't think that's the right way to put it. 

    I myself know how tough life has been. How I have stayed in survival mode for so long not knowing where I am headed and whether I am heading in the right direction. I have been the hardest on myself, not letting myself slack off, hating myself over my imperfections, my mistakes, my sins. And yet life moves on in favor of those who worked alongside that adversity and made time for their dreams, achieving them in the process. 

    I have so much to be done. Amidst me trying to be a novel writer, I am drawing comics, drawing merch for boothing events at anime conventions and acting as the oldest child in a home absent of my brother who lives in a different timezone. It's all so foreign to me and I have no idea how I survived this long. I believe it was Allah's will, because there's absolutely no other way to explain it. 

    Amidst all of my worries, having a crush on someone was my way of finding peace. Imagining that the person I like will pick me up and save me like a prince on a white horse. Like a knight in a shining armor. Like the sun after all the storm that I've been through. Yet, my crushes never lead anywhere because I never act upon them and as much as I believe I tried, I don't think it's enough. 

    In fact, I was never enough. Or at least, I guess that's the reason I say when things don't turn out the way I want it to be. In truth, things don't turn out well for someone because they're "enough". Sometimes, it's just how it's meant to be. It's already written in Allah's will. 

    "The pen has been lifted, and the pages have dried."

    I think what I need now is courage. The courage to move on with life, to not fear the what-ifs and the ending. To trust Allah more. To believe in him. To realize that life can go ahead and be however I imagined to be. And that I can achieve anything in life as long as Allah wills it to be. 

    And that, if something does not turn out the way I want it to be, it is a form of Allah's protection, and I have to accept it as it is. 

    One day, I hope that all of this pain and sadness means something. May all the reasons behind it reveal itself in due time. At any rate, I hope things get better soon. 

    I don't think anyone is reading this blog, but if you happen to cross upon this on accident, do you think you can extend some of your prayers for me? I promise you, I really am doing my best. 

With Love, Asfiyuki.