Personal : Art
Note : This is one is super emotional so ahahah don't read this when you're having a bad day.
Oh, but don't take it lightly either. Read it slowly, and properly try to understand why I'm saying all this.
I might be contradicting myself from times to times, and I'm not sure if any this will entirely get through, but I really hope it does.
Silently saying, no, really, I am not good enough.
I look front and I see all of them walking in front of me, with their heads held high.
Why is that I am staying at the same place, even if there's nothing holding me back.
I get it.
It's my fault.
I waste my time on unnecessary things, and I can't take that back.
But please, give mercy, and stop saying those words.
Because they only hurt me, even it's what I wanted the most.
I see the people who are striving to get better.
And I wonder why they're so blind to not see, that they're absolutely ahead of me.
I am an artist who is stuck at the end of time.
But they're so close to what they want to be.
What was it that I was wishing all along?
Drawing and writing, and giving my entire best.
What was it I was trying to express, and what was it I was trying to tell.
In the end, I was so focused - to finding the 'me' that was there all along.
Ah, how I long to be the first.
To be the first to give such results, to be the first who came up with something new.
Did you ever understand the pain when I realize how hard it is to achieve such a thing?
How frustrating it is when your best masterpiece is so common you can find it anywhere?
And you make it out as a joke.
Of course, it's a joke.
An artist's thoughts are entirely jokes.
The things we face in our life, the frustration and delusions
"Oh, I can so relate to that!"
Oh yes, I can too.
But not without that hollow feeling inside of you.
I want to push the backs of the people who are doing their best
Who are, no matter what quality they offer, keeps on drawing until this day.
I want to push them forward, give them confidence.
Tell them, "you're getting the hang of it!"
But oh goodness, you probably don't know.
How haunting my past self is whenever I do so.
Trust me when I say, I've been there.
I know how your heart condition is when you've just started drawing.
All you want for now is to express.
So you'll see how hurt you feel, when someone says no.
There's a limiter on my words, whenever I speak.
I pay attention to you, but I won't say a thing.
All my words will be knives that would absolutely shatter you
These thoughts I keep hidden so I won't hurt you
But even so, I can't compliment you more than necessary either
Because if I do, you won't progress further.
Because you'll feel you're so good and mighty, sitting in your throne called 'safe zone'.
And trust me when I say, I've been there.
It hurts me when people say, "the good artists never pay attention to the newcomers"
Oh how I know how hard it feels, how rejected it is
And the me who is the so-called 'good' artist?
Oh goodness please, I can't leave you guys alone.
But my heart sinks so badly, and my words get so heavy.
I can't do it on my own.
Don't seek for fans.
Don't seek for the 'good' artists to look your way.
They probably already do, but it's merely you who does not realize,
Don't get lost with all the comments.
Don't get proud with all the likes.
Oh how sweet-talks those are, so genuine and pure.
So harmless and satisfying.
Yet it's not until time has passed you enough, that you wish they're not there.
And that is taking into account, that you're still continuing.
Downhills are everywhere.
Unfairness is the truth.
But even with all this, art is still what people seek.
Because art itself is not tainted.
It's we, artists, who are.
- Asfiyuki -
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